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14 février 2013 4 14 /02 /février /2013 13:32


Because of the pleasure I give to myself and you – my English speaker friend - with my little plump fingers, a few weeks ago. I've decided to become the James Cameron of the blogosphere and translate some of my old posts … This one take place in Febrary 2009 (15 days after my daughter born).

The first walk in the street you decide to have with a baby, is something you need to think about. This type of expedition make look like Tom Cruise (in MI2) to an amateur. Everything need to be analysed, checked : The stroller, the clothes, the temperature, the wind, … But, sometimes it happens differently …

Today, I keep an eye on Lilou (my little baby) during my wife take our car to spend all of our money (she goes to the supermarket). Everything is planned : she must go back at 4 pm to let me, widely, the time to take my child back from school .

12 to 4 pm, Charline calls me : « It sucks ! The car is dead in front of the supermarket ! You have to go to the school with Lilou ! »
Fist collapse of the day ! …


When I go back to my mind, I look at the situation :

  • The little is going to wake up in 2 minutes, hungry and impatient 

  • She needs 45 minutes to eat

  • the stroller is not ready

  • the wind outside is crazy (I've seen a boat crossing the street)

  • She is not 15 days old

Collapse number 2 ! 

I decide to take 3 minutes to think of the situation ... 154 325 ideas are burned in my brain (even collective suicide). 
But, it's time to eat – Bong ! Bong ! End of the quarter time ! Lilou is nice. The milk is finished in 20 minutes. It's a good beginning …


After, … The stroller … I look in all the rooms to find all the parts of this fucking trick. . At the beginning I was like a chicken who find a knife … I'm not sure but I'm going to cry … 
And suddenly, like a light in the dark, I remember everything … God seems talk to me … 10 minutes after it's okay and almost secure.
I'm late, but not too late …

Just after, begin my hysterical hesitations : « What am I going to put on the buttock of Lilou, if I don't want she dies ? ». 10 minutes more to make a choice … she's horrible but she won't die ! 

Outside ! I'm going to suffer ! I begin with a double staircase – really small - where I must carry the stroller and the baby inside (45lb). It's too heavy, I touch everything ! I'm sure the baby is dead ! Her skull is broken ! 
But I don't collapse, it's too dangerous on the street for the girl …

Last look at the baby before we go … She is pale ! … Now, I'm sure she is dead !!! I listen to her chest … She is breathing ! … It's okay for this time …


First meters : the wind flies away one of the 4 blankets of Lilou. I catch it with a nervous jump ! She is going to be cold ! 
It must not happen again … Then, I continue in Moonwalk (to protect her from the wind) and I jam the blanket with my knees.


Five minutes and three nervous breakdowns later, I've the pleasure to find my son, almost alone, in the school playground … I was 10 minutes late : thank you teacher ! 

During the return, I'm more nervous … They are 2 and I'm alone ! But Zephir (my son) helps me to protect his sister (He must know that I could extract his leg if he muck around). 

In front of the house, I always have two staircases … I sweat blood again ! Inside, I find my wife. I bawl her (even if she is not responsible, but it's good for me) , and then … I can have my myocardial infarction.


* to have a good trip, it is recommended to read loud with a big french accent.


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Lolo la catcheuse 14/02/2013 15:59

ha booon.........????

Fred 28/02/2013 17:54

t'es pas observatrice ...

Lolo la catcheuse 14/02/2013 15:47

La rancoeur c tenace quand meme.....!!!

Fred 14/02/2013 15:56

rien à voir, je suis tacquin ...

Lolo la catcheuse 14/02/2013 14:51

t grave, on peut meme pas faire un copier/coller pour avoir la traduc!!!!!

Fred 14/02/2013 15:21

hahaha !!!!! Je suis machiavelique.


Si tu veux l'original, cherche en fevrier 2009 ....